Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
