I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Everclear isn't food dammit
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
