My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i drank out of a bidet.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
