So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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