Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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