You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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