I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
