i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
