A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
