omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
