I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
