I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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