My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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