bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
