thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
