how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
