i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
