No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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