I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
