Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
