There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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