If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
