chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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