Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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