I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
