Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
