I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
