I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
