I should be sponsored by Trojan
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
