Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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