we have officially lost it.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
