if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
