I will probably be peed on at some point today.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
