do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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