I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
