her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
