No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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