I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
