just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
