I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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