Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
