seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
