WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
