I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
