So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
