haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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