I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
