I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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