It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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