I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
