she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
