I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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