i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
