My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
ok first of all what the fuck
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
