Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
