I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
