I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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