the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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