She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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